Todo llega, pasa, y enseña.
Te invitamos a una charla distendida y calmada sobre el deseo y la pareja. Las preguntas que todos nos hacemos sobre la sexualidad en pareja, y que no siempre tienen fácil respuesta.
¿Es normal dejar de desear a la persona que amas?
-Puede resultar contradictorio, pero lo cierto es que el amor en pareja y desear a la pareja no siempre van de la mano. No obstante, hay que aclarar que la queja de “bajo nivel de deseo” a veces se confunde con “desajustes del deseo sexual”, es decir, tenemos menos relaciones eróticas de las que nos gustaría tener.
¿Por qué es importante desear a la pareja y sentirse deseado?
-Lo que diferencia a una pareja de amigos de una pareja de amantes es el deseo. Cuando dejas de desear a tu pareja o te sientes no deseado se pone en cuestión la esencia de nuestra vinculación, que es el amor. Te haces interiormente una doble reflexión: “quizá no me quiere o quizá ya no le atraigo”.
¿Es inevitable un descenso del deseo sexual en el marco de una relación estable y amorosa de larga duración?
-Es un hecho que el deseo presenta dos vertientes: una vertiente biológica y/o química, activada por el atractivo físico, la novedad y lo misterioso; y una vertiente amorosa, activada por el amor, sentimiento y los cuidados. Lo cierto es que con los años de convivencia se pierde novedad, misterio…y se gana complicidad y con ello, afortunadamente, las parejas se sienten más libres, incluso para no tener que desear.
¿Pero podemos en pareja permitirnos no tener deseo?
-La realidad es que NO. Si quien está leyendo estas líneas tiene pareja, convive con ella, tiene buena salud, un estilo de vida razonable y además es joven….que se pregunte: ¿me puedo permitir no tener deseo? La respuesta será no. Esta es una de las claves para darse cuenta de que “tener que tener deseo” es un motivo para no tenerlo; y es que la obligación y el deseo son difícilmente compatibles.
Has mencionado que el factor misterio y novedad disminuyen con la convivencia, ¿ello presupone que si cambiásemos de pareja aumentaría el deseo?
-Inicialmente aumentaría el deseo sexual, pero a las pocas semanas el factor novedad desaparecería y surgirían los reproches; en cambio con tu pareja sentimental el deseo es menos explosivo pero más estable porque no depende de la química sino del sentimiento.
¿Es posible “querer” a tu pareja y “no desearla”?
-Según mi idea de pareja diría que no. No obstante, los conceptos de “querer” y de “desear” puede uno adaptarlos a su historia de vida y quizá pueda darse otra respuesta.
El amor no tiene edad, ¿el deseo no tiene edad?
-El deseo sexual / erótico no tiene edad, pero sí tiene edades. El deseo es un proceso de madurez que evoluciona de la ilusión y el entusiasmo juvenil hasta el deseo en estado noble. Un deseo de calidad requiere años y vivencias. Por ello en parejas de largo recorrido la intimidad erótica evoluciona de más a mejor.
¿Cómo es posible desear a otra persona a la que no amas y dejar de desear a tu pareja amorosa?
-En un marco de relación de pareja, el deseo requiere el soporte del amor, pero cuando no hay exigencia amorosa por ser “el otro” alguien “no significativo”, el deseo responde a factores más biológicos y externos (atracción, novedad, misterio…). Es decir, puedo no desear a mi maravillosa pareja porque siento no me trata con amor y sí puedo desear a otra porque no le exijo amor. Y todo para que el amor no nos separe del deseo y que su ausencia no nos separe del amor.
¿Es posible, en cualquier caso, el sexo sin amor?
-El debate del “sexo con amor o sin amor” es un discurso estéril. No es posible un encuentro íntimo sin vinculación afectiva de ningún tipo; el debate debería centrarse en torno a la idea de “vinculación afectiva”, qué entendemos, qué parámetros, qué márgenes y qué variables la definen. Y es que toda relación erótica/sexual es una relación de amor.
¿Pero el amor tiene un principio y un final?
-La realidad del amor, al igual que la elaboración de un vino, tiene un recorrido vital, pero no tengo claro que tenga un final inevitable, aunque es cierto que hay relaciones conflictivas y maneras de conservar el vino que hacen cierta la frase: “hasta que la muerte del amor os separe”.
( Los textos son de autor desconocido, fueron copiados y recontados por Adonis)
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