Complicada edad para padres e hijos
Ser adolescente es sinónimo de ser rebelde; es muy común que las personas que se encuentran en este grupo de edad expresen frases como: “es que nadie me entiende”, “mis papás son mis enemigos”, “todos me fastidian”, entre otras más, y esto resulta natural puesto que es una gran transición: dejan de ser niños para convertirse en jóvenes y posteriormente en adultos.
Se genera un problema difícil de resolver, un choque de poderes entre los padres y los hijos que se sienten adultos, independientes y capaces de tomar sus propias decisiones, pero que aún dependen económicamente de sus padres, por lo que deben seguir cumpliendo las normas impuestas por ellos.
Aunque sean ya adolescentes, desde muy pequeños es importante fomentar el diálogo abierto con los hijos y generar en ellos confianza en nosotros. Será muy importante que aprendamos a escuchar sin juzgar, y dar nuestras opiniones a modo de consejo, evitando tonos imperativos. Lo que sembramos en la infancia, lo cosecharemos en su adolescencia y adultez.
Frente a esta situación, los padres inevitablemente se sienten apenados, aun cuando este tema es tan viejo como el origen del mundo. A una cierta edad, todos los adolescentes pierden el respeto y se vuelven reservados. Los padres ya no importan y es la opinión del grupo la que prevalece. Esta es una etapa normal del desarrollo de los chicos, pero para los grandes es una prueba muy seria en la cual está en juego su éxito en la crianza.
Los padres generalmente olvidan un tema fundamental cuando comparten con sus hijos: la seguridad les da confianza. Si un chico quiere compartir algo que considera importante, uno no debe abusar de dicha confianza y dar un sermón.
Cuando un chico está en la pre adolescencia, se siente inmerso en un mundo enorme en el cual debe encontrar su propio lugar. Confiará en los adultos con criterio selectivo, no en todos, y más aún en los del círculo familiar, cuando hay relaciones sanas y confiables. En esta etapa, el adolescente necesita mucho espacio privado: ya dejó de “ser de los padres”. Es un ser independiente. Necesita el mismo espacio personal y la privacidad de los adultos. Sus límites personales son los mismos que los tuyos: las pertenencias privadas, diarios, correspondencia, incluyendo el email, SMS, todo esto es intocable.
Lo cierto es que si el chico fue educado adecuadamente desde el comienzo, si ve reflejado en sus ojos que los valores familiares continúan manteniendo su encanto y su autoridad, si ama y respeta a sus padres, las tentaciones morales probablemente no arruinen estos cimientos. Los padres no pueden vivir la vida de sus hijos por ellos, solo pueden ofrecerles su amor y apoyo. Es necesario que los niños cometan errores, y que enfrenten las consecuencias.
Pero esto no ocurre de la noche a la mañana en una situación normal: durante un largo tiempo el niño expresa señales de angustia; el secreto se basa en estar atentos para interpretarlas. Algunos exteriorizan su tristeza; otros expresan su agresión hacia adentro. Los sentimientos de culpa y depresión no se ven inmediatamente: el chico se refugia en su habitación, y demuestra que no está bien expresándolo con malos modales; se lo ve triste y puede llegar a tener problemas con la comida y el sueño. Frente a situaciones como estas, hay que tener mucho tacto y acercarse delicadamente. Es muy común que, en estos casos, se necesite ayuda profesional.
Quizá, detrás de aquella puerta cerrada, suceda algo diferente: nuestros hijos, tan mimados y queridos, el niño debe estar seguro de que sus padres van a entender, apoyar, y no lastimar o dañar.
Hay que abstenerse de dar sermones inapropiados, y evitar insultarlos; habla con ellos por la simple razón de que te da placer conversar. Cuéntale tus experiencias y dale tu opinión directamente. La sinceridad se responde con sinceridad. Y cuando tu hijo comience a contarte algo, silencia tu lengua, no consideres que sabes más.
¿Por qué los adolescentes odian a sus padres?
Esa es la sensación que tenemos las madres y padres de chicos de 13 a 24 años (o algo más): que ese amorcito, esa ternurita que nos llenaba de alegría, ahora nos responde con gruñidos, desplantes, maltrato y rebeldía sin fin.
No queremos enemistarnos definitivamente con ellos, entonces toleramos desplantes y malos modos …y acabamos viviendo con el enemigo.
Los adolescentes siempre fueron iguales, y hasta los antiguos romanos comentaban en sus escritos acerca de la “juventud perdida” y la pérdida de valores y moral de los jóvenes. Esto siempre ha sido así, está en su naturaleza y generalmente esto cambia a medida que maduran.
Lo que sucede en la vida es que la gente no anda feliz, protegida y obediente hasta los 18 y de golpe, en la mayoría de edad, se convierten en adultos independientes y responsables.
En la pubertad, a todos les toca un tiempo en que quisieran que este cambio sea mágico y no lo es. Entonces, van juntando resentimiento por no lograrlo, saber que aún dependen de los padres, tener que rendir cuentas de adonde van y a que hora regresan, qué ropa deberían usar, qué aspecto debería tener su cuarto, qué deberían comer, etc .
Por supuesto detestan ver las pruebas cotidianas de que no se las arreglan solos al 100%, y esa bronca irá dirigida directamente a quienes les prueban que aún necesitan ayuda: los padres.
” Le doy todo lo que necesita y nada le alcanza, ni siquiera se alegra de que le regale algo extra”, se quejan los padres.
En primer lugar, los padres le dieron todo toda la vida, y es lo natural y ellos, aun a los 18, no creen que sea algo que haya que agradecer. Después de todo, son los que heredarán a los padres: todo lo que hoy tienen los padres les corresponde por derecho, así lo viven ellos. Los padres recuerdan su vida, cómo era antes de tener hijos, y conocen la diferencia entre gastar todo en sí mismos, y gastar todo en los hijos.
Tus hijos no tienen recuerdo de que algo así haya sucedido jamás en la historia : todo lo que saben es que merecen TODO, porque siempre ha sido así. No recuerdan una etapa en la que sus necesidades no hayan sido satisfechas al instante. No están capacitados para apreciar un celular nuevo, un par de zapatillas caras, ni siquiera que les regales un auto.
La tarea de los padres es lograr que niños consentidos y perpetuamente satisfechos, vayan descubriendo el valor del esfuerzo, que tienen que ganarse las cosas, que ya no les vendrán de arriba, como cuando eran niños … Darles cosas para ” calmarlos” no evitará que se pongan rebeldes.
Si te mantienes FIRME en esta enseñanza, un día, ya maduros, se darán cuneta de lo que les has enseñado, y podrán dejar de odiarte por depender de ti, empezando a apreciar lo que has hecho tratando de que aprendan a bastarse solos.
Cuando yo tenia catorce años, mi padre era tan ignorante que apenas podía tolerar su presencia cerca de mí. Cuando cumplí veintiún años, estaba impresionado de ver todo lo que mi padre había aprendido en solo siete años.
( Los textos son de autor desconocido, fueron copiados y recontados por Adonis)
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